kiasu

Maybe it's that Asian in me, but I have a sense of urgency and competitiveness when I study. I hate empty, irrelevant chit-chats while studying, and I try my best not to snap at people when they are too slow for my pace.

Today's study session unleashed my inner kiasu. The web server was down and luckily I printed out all the notes before every class so I can jot down what the prof said in class. I hesitated about sharing my notes with a friend who never downloaded the notes beforehand, as it contains extra info that I obtained when asking the prof in private.

Dark thoughts surfaced. "What if she brings up the class average?" "Why can't she be more responsible about her lecture notes?" "Serves you right for studying last minute!" Only to remind myself that this class is not curved, and the server failure was not her fault, it was probably due to the earthquake that happened in British Columbia last night. This is not good, 'lokek ilmu' is not a healthy way to compete. I am completely ashamed of my thoughts.

"I seek refuge in Allah from the outcast of Shaitan"

Allah please expel all of these dreadful thoughts, you are The Wisest and all knowledge belongs to you.

new routine

This semester was the mark of a new chapter for me. There is a perception attached to being a 4th year student, and I hope I have not disappointed any of my adik-adik's expectations. I still miss being the only, doted little girl every day though.

I discovered that I thrive in routines. I fear the unknown, so my comfort zone is a planned and confirmed schedule, filled only with familiar faces. So when I have to do something new, I felt like I have lost my sense of direction.

2 months of shuffling around, I am glad that I have finally established a new routine. It felt like I was in first year again (only older and a little bit more wiser); I had to find a new favourite hang out spot, establish my position in a new group of friends, and find my own niche again in the society.

And I can't lie that I love being the new kakak super-senior. So now, who wants to be my adik favourite? ;-)

I can do better

Repeat after me:

I can do better because I deserve better.
I demand the best only because I give the best.
I am not the second choice, I am a winner.
I expect mutual respect because I don't treat anyone any lesser.

Hold that head up high and have a little dignity, girl

things aren't always what they seem

it amazes me how our lives are like 2 parallel lines,
running side by side,
a pretty symmetric sight,

but we will never intersect.

Oh to live young, to love young

People have been telling me to love a little more freely, to live a little more recklessly.

But I learnt too much from mistakes in the past that forces me to be more cautious about life,
and even more cautious about my own feelings.

I can't do the same things as I used to when I was 18.
21 is an unstable age, I still have my life and career to sort out.

Someday I will settle down.

october

Today's rainy weather prompted me to write a piece about a certain grey wool sweater that I feel very attached to.

I dumped that grey wool sweater underneath a pile
I know I shouldn't be keeping it
It's not mine to keep!
Torned, fraying, time to replace it
So I bought prettier ones
But nothing gave me the same content
As that grey wool sweater.